Meet “Kara with a K”

Over the last couple weeks while I have been dedicated to helping the “Children of Woodbine” I met one of the most beautiful humans.  10 minutes after hearing her story I knew that I had to have her words guest post on her page. Meet Kara as she shares her journey with us of being an addict during the covid era in The United States of America. 

April 1, 2020

Dear Addiction,

I know you’re just as broken and lonely as I am, but I need freedom from you. I can no longer handle the consequences that you bestow upon me. It affects everyone around me and I can’t deal with the grief that I’m giving them any longer. You constantly remind me that I need you, but that’s not the case. I don’t need you. You do nothing but make me feel hatred towards myself, and towards life itself. You make me unmotivated, self-loathing and aggressive, even to those who want nothing more than to love me.

Because of you I don’t know what true love even is. I can’t accept love from anyone, I simply don’t believe that anyone can love me because that’s what you whisper in my ear. You want me all to yourself and to be as broken as I possibly can so that I’ll remember how you were ‘always there for me.’ I’ll never forget everything that you taught me, and whilst you truly were the only one that stood by my side through everything, I must move on.

You changed forms all throughout my entire life. In the early years, you came to me as Self Harm. You kept me company when I was alone and convinced me that it was okay, because at least I still had you. You stayed that way for a while, not evolving or changing too much until middle school. It was then that you turned into Cigarettes. You forced me to like you, whispered silent nothings in my ear telling me to trust you and to have another inhale, ‘It’ll calm your nerves.’ This worked for me, I had no reason not to trust you.

It was when you changed into Alcohol that things started getting really bad for me. I would drink every morning before school just to be able to smile. I needed you at that point, to keep me sane. I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone, and I needed you just to not be suicidal. You made me think the world, sober, held nothing for me and didn’t want me to be a part of it. I doubted you slightly, but you soon eradicated that thought and reminded me of where I came from.

You changed again into co-dependency and made my life truly a living hell. You made me think I needed someone constantly to tell me what to do. Because of you I held on to two separate relationships that were physically and emotionally abusive. I held on for dear life because you convinced me it was normal and that I deserved to be treated that way no matter how much I tried to change our dynamic. Those relationships nearly killed me but I didn’t give up. I followed your direction blindly, because you really were the only one that was there for me. You were truly a persuasive con artist. Throughout those relationships you switched between Alcohol, Self-Harm, an Eating Disorder, and even Marijuana. I didn’t think you would evolve any more than that, but I soon was proven wrong.

It was after all those relationships that you showed me an even more toxic form of yourself, Cocaine. This is where I regained my trust in you believe it or not. This form had me energized, hopeful and motivated. I felt on top of the world because of you. This soon showed itself as a very slippery slope. Cocaine turned into Crack, which turned into Meth, then Molly, and finally Heroin. By the time I knew what was happening, I couldn’t jump off. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of my own self-destruction. You still remained in my ear, reminding me of your past forms and suggesting I use one of them as a new coping skill.

You were never a positive influence in my life. I realize now that I didn’t have any positive role models growing up so I don’t blame you for my eagerness in something to follow. I blame myself, for letting things get so out of hand. I should’ve put an end to you so much earlier on in my life, but I couldn’t, you were all that I knew. You made me feel better at times when nothing in the world possibly could. You twisted my thinking to truly believe in that statement.

You’re affecting the worthwhile things that are attempting to happen in my life presently such as my boyfriend, Jarod, and my grandparents. It might not seem like a lot of things to you, but they’re the ones that sincerely have my best intentions in mind and it’s because of you that I can’t accept love and assistance from them. I can’t believe that anyone could genuinely love me for the monster that I see myself as. I love you for standing by me when no one else would, and that’s why it’s so painful to say goodbye, but I have to.

I’m only 19 but because of you and my experiences, I feel as though I’ve lived a thousand lives already. But because of my age I need to correct my behavior now, while I still have a chance. I need to believe that I deserve this chance, this opportunity to finally say goodbye to you. Trust me, it isn’t easy, but it has to be done. I hope one day I can find peace and you might even return to me. I won’t let you back in while you’re still showing yourself in negative ways. You hold potential just as I do. Hopefully I’ll see you as positive coping skills one day, luckily ill have the knowledge to be able to tell the difference by then.

Sincerely,

Kara